Restless

This 6 week old screams loudly so he fits right in to the Fearing house. He struggles to sleep for longer than 20 minutes at a time, constantly fidgeting his limbs even inside a swaddle. Hasn’t figured out quite how to suck out of a bottle so just lashes his tongue at it, spilling milk down his neck and yet so desperately hungry. He’s the size of my babies when they came home from the hospital, barely hitting 8 pounds and unable to fill in newborn clothing at 6 weeks of age.  He cries for no reason, even after a bath, bottle, changed diaper, clean clothes. The only time he settles his little body and sinks in letting himself succumb to sleep is when he’s lying on my chest touching his face to my skin and just letting go. It’s then that his breathing calms and he falls into a deep sleep. The kind where you touch him to see if he’s still actually breathing. His helpless body is going through withdrawal of heroine.

He’s restless. All the time.

Last night out of desperation, I texted a group of my prayer warriors. A group of mighty women who get on their knees before the Lord and cry out. I cried out too. ”Please JESUS! I need to feel your presence. Come heal his helpless body. Give him rest. Remind me he hasn’t been forgotten.” I need you to know that within minutes of our prayers, that sweet boy fell into a sleep he hasn’t done since being here. He slept for 3 hours so soundly that I kept checking on him to make sure he was alive. He woke up to eat and went right back to sleep again and slept for another long stretch. When he woke up from that one, I thought...

Thank you Jesus for those 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I don’t care what those ridiculous doctors once told me about needing to wake them every 2 hours to eat.   What do they know anyway? They probably never had kids of their own to understand the need for sleep. Never taking advice from a doctor again. Why do they hate sleep so much? Sleep is so good. I like sleep.

And then passed a clock on my way back to bed to realize it had actually only been 2 hours, not 6. Just whatever. Time is relative.  Doctors are awesome.

So this morning I woke up feeling refreshed, with a single word that has stuck with me.

RESTLESS.

What do I do when I’m restless? Do I twitch about and lash out at things given to me like this infant? Do I shrink down to smallness in defeat trying to make myself invisible to the world? Do I fight back and shout at those helping me?

The meaning of restless is “unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom; unhappy about a situation and wanting change; not relaxed or calm”

Any of you out there ever feel anxious? Bored? Unhappy with a circumstance? Desire change? Not calm? Stressed?

Yeah. Me too.

Jesus says “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29)

“All of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens.” Anyone NOT fall into that category besides a housepet? Oh we carry our burdens don’t we? We carry them and can do martyr real well. We can do tired and self-pity with the best of them. We can run in circles trying to fix our situations. But Jesus says “Come to me.” He wants to teach us in humility and gentleness. And then as if that isn’t enough, he promises “rest for your souls.” Ever experienced a soulful rest? Like that of a newborn in a deep sleep? That calmness and peacefulness. That’s the kind of rest he promises. If only I leaned into Him every time I found myself restless. If I could just cozy up right next to the Ultimate Comforter, lay down my burdens at His feet and then just lie in His arms and rest. Not fighting back at Him. Why do we reenact scenes from 80s movies like Harry and the Hendersons and shout at God, "Why can't you get out of here?  Leave me alone.  Go!"  when really all we want is to fall into His arms and feel wrapped in love. It’s all any of us really desire isn’t it? To be at peace. To find rest.

So today I’m laying down my need to fix it all. To be in control. To have the answers and the solution.  He can do and be all that so much better than I ever could.  Because the honest truth is that if I do it on my own without Him, I'll mess it up.  And I don't want to mess it up.

What do you need to lay at His feet today? You will never know rest like this until you can give it over to Him.

@kimberlyfearing