What if I'm the evil one?

Evil: morally reprehensible: sinful; arising from actual or imputed bad character or conduct; disagreeable; pernicious (causing harm)

Good: of a favorable character or tendency; true; honorable; virtuous, right, commendable

I’ve been wrestling with the news coverage and social media's swinging pendulum around refugees, terrorism and what happens next. I know I haven’t read every viewpoint out there. Because how in the world could you have time for that AND still have time to watch Ellen's new favorite dance duo?  But I am beginning to see that the Christian viewpoint starts sounding as though we can overcome heinous acts by firing bullets of cute puppies and rainbows sprinkled with love and magical fairy dust. Since those aren’t available on Amazon Prime though, we’re out of luck.

There appear to be two opinions in the discussion and both make sense. I flip flop depending on my audience. If I stare into the eyes of my innocent kids, everything in me says: Don’t let anyone in. Keep all potential harm out. If I linger in the presence of Jesus, I hear: Let them all in. Pick love despite the fear.

Ugh. If those are my two options, both make me uneasy.  Why?

The problem is that it’s not so cut and dry in our hearts. We don’t model a life of perfection like Jesus. Regardless of where you sit on this issue, it appears to me that our messages have undertones of Good v. Evil. Aside from Jesus, I question if anyone else has ever landed on Good every day of her life. If you just raised your hand, then I don't know.  Stop reading I guess.  So if we aren't always good, then why have we reserved evil to mean the worst of the worst of the worst.  I realized maybe that's not entirely true.

My kids flip my emotions like a switch. In an instant I become a raging lunatic who often has to retreat to the bathroom to stifle my anger while sobbing into a toilet. As I feel the warm tears fall and the shame set in, I hear Jesus asking for long-suffering in patience and tenderheartedness. To stay the course.

I’ve driven home foster kids where I know spousal abuse has traumatized the home and everything in me wants to flee from the house out of an irrational fear that I’ll be the next victim when he greets me at the door. I want to run AND I want to spout every hateful, cruel word burning inside of me. As I pound my steering wheel, I hear Jesus asking for a heart of courage, gentleness and forgiveness.

I watch others succeed who earn titles, receive recognition, and buy things I covet. I hear Jesus asking for a heart of contentment and pleasure over others' accomplishments.

I’ve questioned why a woman deserves a second chance when her newborn is withdrawing from a fetal drug addiction. I hear Jesus requesting a heart of humility and of never-ending chances.

I’ve said cutting things I didn’t mean to my husband just to make a point and create divisiveness. No point was made but scars were left. Gossiped judgmental opinions about people because I felt mistreated and misunderstood. And yet I hear Jesus saying Let your words breathe hope into them instead of sucking the life out of them.

As it turns out, I am morally reprehensible, sinful, exhibit bad character and conduct, disagreeable and cause verbal harm to others. I am by definition, evil.  Our sins may look drastically different, but we are the same depraved person.

I wage war against it every single day of my life, and I will have to put on armor to fight against it until I take my last breath.

So how can I label anyone else when I land on both about a TRILLION times a day?!

I am, on my own, a person who has deserved death countless times because of my morally evil behavior. The only One who saves me from myself is Jesus Christ. He died for every evil thing that shows its ugly self in my life. Every horrible word. Judgmental thought. Fearful action. I am alive only because Jesus said Child, I am letting them nail me to that cross on Calvary because my Father created you for good in spite of the evil within you.

And Yes, IT’S THAT SIMPLE. Jesus took the nails so we could live with freedom. With our good and our evil and our freedom.  Because with Him, we are capable of turning evil into good.  He can redirect lives of destruction into stories of restoration.

We must lean in close and invite Jesus into this conversation to speak unvarnished truth where Darkness has whispered deception.

I hear His soft breeze telling me what I must become from His Sermon on the Mount.  A girl with a humble heart who mourns for those hurting, models gentleness and long-suffering, thirsts and hungers for justice. Exemplifies compassion and humanitarianism. Held unblemished and a woman who makes peace. A daughter willing to be mistreated for what is right and personally attacked when defending God’s truth.

You're right - They don't deserve it.  And yet, neither do I.

But this actually has little to do with us changing others as is usually the case with God.  It's me He wants changed.  It will always be me He's chasing.  It will always be you.  For He promises there's an extravagant crown in Eternity waiting for us as we redirect our lives towards becoming that courageous person who listens for Him in the soft breeze with humble hearts.  The ones with transformed lives that make others take notice.

That is the kind of love we are firing at them.