The Last Night

Tonight was not part of my plan.  The call.  The news.  The letting go.  I have to unexpectedly take that sweet baby back to his mom in the morning, immediately after dropping my own baby at school.  And typing that sentence makes me erupt into tears once again.  It's not because I didn't know this day was coming or because when I return home I will feel the void in our home without his coos, but I have wept tonight for his mom and her choices, and the tough love I had to give which should be renamed to excruciating heart-wrenching love.

It's a grief I didn't know I could experience.  It's different than other grieving I've walked through.  I can never feel the depths of what God feels, but this must be the sobbing and moaning of pain when He watches us turn from Him and His bold truths and instead walk towards Satan's whispered lies.  When He has spoken love and acceptance and instead we find solace in the Enemy's hate and manipulation.  The worst part is I've betrayed Jesus like this in my life. Every time I've doubted His goodness and instead trusted a sweet tasting lie, I've turned from Him. I cannot fathom that I too am capable of causing Him this kind of pain. Despite that He always draws me back in to Him, wraps me up, corrects me, forgives me, teaches me, encourages me, all while He knows I WILL DO IT AGAIN. Oh man. That is love. That is the power of Jesus. I want to love like that.

But when there is no presence of Christ, it is devastating to watch because no hope exists in that lonely place.  I can't fix it.  She will always be searching endlessly without the power of Jesus Christ.  I want to save her. With such desperation I want to save her. To convince her it doesn't have to be like this, but Satan has too strong of a hold and she's captive. My heart feels broken in a million tiny pieces because of that, but I know God is weeping alongside me tonight because she is His child.

The vulnerability that happened between her and I in a short 11 days is nothing short of a miracle only God could have created because it feels like these two people have always been in our lives.  It feels like I have taken a million steps backwards with her since he arrived, but I find hope in knowing that God doesn't work that way.  There is learning in the suffering.  She has heard truth, and I will pray that one day that will be what rescues her.

In the words of precious friends who breathed truth into my despair tonight...God is not done.  So as I hold this baby in my arms for his final night here, I will be praying Philippians 1:6 over him for both he and his momma "Being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I will choose to believe in that promise because He is a cycle breaker.  And He is not done.  He's never done.